May 23 2012

The Official Rules to Being Single

We have all gone through a period or season in our lives during which we were single.  The one thing we can probably all agree on, is that whether single or in a relationship there are some standards that we must maintain and hold onto for our own sanity.  If there had been a rule book when I was dating, it probably would have prevented a lot of hurt and pain.  But through it all, I have gained a lot of wisdom and I don’t mind sharing.  Today, I am excited about this interview with the Author of “The Official Rules to Being Single”, A’esha Goins.
-What is the one rule that would in your opinion, trump all others?
The last rule, Pray always. There were moments when I thought I would literally lose my mind. I was certain no one understood my agony. It seemed, all my friends were getting hooked up and I would be single forever. The only thing I had of value was my prayer life. The time I spent on my knees in meditation gave me great comfort and relief.
-Describe the process of writing your book? Was it at all what you expected?
Writing my book started the moment my ex husband told me, he was no longer happy in his misery. When we arose the next morning and I hadn’t killed him, I knew I would have to write my story to help somebody through what I had experienced. Every time I had an ache, I would blog it on myspace. To me that was what being a writer was all about. I had a point of view that I wanted to share with the world and that was the easiest way to accomplish. It wasn’t until 200 blogs later that I knew I needed to publish something. I pulled my blog entries off of Myspace and tried to make some story line that made sense. I gave them to my friends, family, and coach to help me formulate some kind of structured presentation. 3 years later I connected with an old boyfriend, we became great friends and he encouraged my wisdom and creativity. 6 months later he became my business partner and CEO of our company. Within our 5 year plan he saw a book and speaking engagements. I accepted the vision and birthed the book.
-Why do you think it is so difficut for some of us to be single and comfortable in that season of our lives?
We were made to be in companionship. I like to tell people being alone is ok, but how much more can you accomplish as a team? I have learned in this season, I can be single without being alone. I live my life everyday with the expectation of meeting the right person. When you accept that you are alone you perpetuate loneliness.
-How does someone bounce back from a failed relationship and allow themselves to open their heart up again? Ahhhh, great question. I get asked this question the most. The answer is simple really, face reality and take responsibility. We love to play the blame game. Heartache is never our fault. How could it be, right? Why would I place myself “willingly” in harms way? For the greatest love story never told. Relationships take work and no one is willing to do it. The reality is, you opened your heart and trusted, willingly. You accepted the persons faults and accomplishments, willingly. You understood or miss understood them, willingly. Now there is an irreconcilable difference and your not so willing. It’s a cop out. Unless there is abuse, the differences can be worked out. If you “willingly” bowed out. Accept that, make the necessry adjustment to not repeat, then CHOOSE to launch.

-Describe the relationship you were in that influenced the writing of this book?
Oh “KING” as he is affectionately referred to in my book, was the man I thought I needed. He was beautiful, strong, smart and sexy. He had swagg and strength. He was everything my ex husband wasn’t, at least in my imagination. LOL! What he really is was the rebound. I wanted to feel loved considered and appreciated. He spoke a great game and offered me great orgasmic pleasure. The lesson I learned was, never mistake the “one” for the “one for right now.”

-I have found that forgiving ourselves is sometimes harder than forgiving the person that has wronged us. Was it difficult to forgive and move on?
Forgiveness is a process that in most cases can not be rushed. I have practiced it a while now and it is a lot easier than when I first started.
One of the first steps to forgiveness is facing reality. I use the “face reality” quote because as women we tend to have overactive imaginations. We will interpret what a person said or did instead of just taking it at face value. This sometimes has a negative affect in our relationships.

The second step is accepting responsibility. No matter how much we want to place blame we have to accept what part we played in the situation.

The third step is forgiving ourselves. We have to let go of the blame and the shame. I like to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself i forgive her and love her and she is beautiful. I have this conversation with myself naked and until I believed it. It used to take hours and I would cry EVERY time. NOW, it takes a few minutes and I giggle with myself. I am my own best supporter and I love me some me!

The fourth step is release. Holding on to unforgiveness sometimes gives us a false sense of power. I realized the person we haven’t forgiven has usually forgotten all about what they did and never cared how they made us feel. Meanwhile we are stuck with the weight of it. NO WAY!! Let that crap go and be FREE!! Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to be friends with the person it means you can be free of the person. And isn’t that what we want.
-What is one peice of advice that you would give to those who are in that season of “singleness”?
Forgive and try again. Never give up on love, it’s like saying your not worthy and I know you are.
-Where can we get our copy of “The Official Rules of Being Single”?
You can purchase the book at my social media networking site www.UrbanLasVegas.com or any online bookstore
-I know you wear multiple hats, what other projects are you currently working on?
WOW!! Let’s see… My book has offered opportunities for me to become a public speaker. I am enjoying this most… we also have “Singles University” which is a workshop we are starting to train men and women how to date and enjoy meeting each other.
-Can we expect another book in the future?
I am working on my next book now… I will keep it a secret, but you can expect it in 2013
Thank you so much for your time A’esha! You can connect with A’esha Goins here:
Make sure to get your copy of “The Official Rules to Being Single”
May 17 2012

Retake…

“Please put all of your notes away and remove your text book from your desk.  You will need a #2 pencil and a scantron to complete this exam.”

I can remember always feeling unprepared when taking a test.  I was never one to study.  I always relied on being a good note taker in class.  Sometimes it was as if I could see the exact page and line of my notes that the answer was in.  But pass or fail in college, there never seemed to be an opportunity to retake a test.

Lately, I have been tested, my faith has been tried and those same feelings of inadequacy have surfaced.  But the test, I/we have been given are open book.   “Thy word have I hid in my heart, that I might not sin against thee.” Psalm 119:11  And we know that without faith it is impossible to please the Lord.  So what is causing my faith to waiver?  It is important to stay connect.  I must continue in prayer, consistent in my devotion, earnest in praise, pure in worship and having done all, STAND.

Thank God for the opportunity to retake a test that has been failed.  The lesson is taught whether I pass or fail but it is up to me to learn it, apply it and make the necessary adjustments.  I can tell it is His desire for me to  pass because the test are coming closer and closer together.  I’m determined to get through this test because just on the other side is my testimony.  ”I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.  Let us therefore, as many as be perfect, be thus minded: and if in any thing ye be otherwise minded, God shall reveal even this unto you.”  Philippians 3:14-15

May 14 2012

How Do I Keep Going…

Forestry track above the Rheidol Power Station...

There use to be a time when giving up and quitting was easy for me.  I would lose interest or just simply get discouraged and weary.  I have reached a point now that giving up just isn’t an option.  Purpose will do that to you.  For years, I sought out a career and when it didn’t meet my expectations I would seek other employment.  The problem was I hadn’t yet come to a full understanding of my purpose.  Now that I know my purpose, nothing has been able to make me give up or lose interest.  I still get a little discouraged and weary but giving up is not an option.

He said he wouldn’t put more on me than I can bare, so I continue to readjust my load.  Find your purpose and you will never spend a day trying to figure out what could have been or asking “what if” because it WILL BE.

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May 10 2012

If Only…

Hong Kong Orange

If there was one thing you could do and was certain that you wouldn’t fail, would you do it?  If opportunity knocked on your door would you be prepared to answer?  How many times have you had that “aha moment” and didn’t take the time to write it down?  Only to find out years later that someone had acted on their gut instinct and that “aha” became someone else’s reality.

If only I had the time, support and money almost makes for a compelling reason to give up but it’s just not enough.  Opportunity is around us constantly but anything worth having is going to take some time and commitment.  You may have to find 100 different ways to do the same thing, in order to get the attention and recognition needed but do what ever it takes until you get the results you desire.

The worst thing ever would be to give up right before breaking through.  I am determined and as long as I am able, I am going on.  Now is not quitting time, if only I can help you see.  Be encouraged!

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May 9 2012

Sticks and Stones…

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”  Oh to be naive as a child and believe this.  I can remember saying this and hearing this as a child while playing on the playground and dealing with a disagreement.  But now as an adult, I realize the words that are spoken to us hurt just as well and leave scars in hidden places.  There are usually words that proceed a violent blow, a slap, push or shove.  Once the physical damage has been done, words are then used again to convince the abused that they deserved it.

I say this often, words have the power to heal, build up, encourage and inspire.  They also have the power to tear down, hurt and discourage.  Make sure that you are using your words wisely.

“Building relationships of accountability and trust with all roads leading to love.”

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May 8 2012

Moving…

Sometimes we can become so familiar with our surroundings that even the thought of moving will create stress and a sense of fear.  However, moving can also be a shifting agent and a means of letting go, in order to get move on and get to something better.  I think of the birds of the air and fish of the sea, when the season’s change, they move.  Without hesitation or delay, they leave what was to establish what will be.  

Over the past week, I along with my children, moved.  We left the home and community we had grown familiar with over the past three years.  What was strange is that a sense of peace came over me and not fear.  I was reminded of a dream that I had about 6 months ago.  In the dream, I was moving.  There was no fear, no stress and no worry, as if God was preparing me.  Our move took place without any complications, just a little exhaustion on my end but the transition was smooth.  

Whatever God has for me in this season of transition, I am receiving it with open arms.  I am casting all my cares upon him for He knows what is best for me and He will never put more on me than I can bare.  

Apr 24 2012

HE Met Me At The Well

I might as well continue on the path that I’ve been on.  I messed up big time and nothing or no one can fix this mess that I’ve created.  I’ve done things that I can’t even tell my closest friend(s).  I can’t even bring myself to write my struggles on the pages of my journal.  I’ve been hanging skeletons in my closest for years and one more sure wouldn’t hurt.  My heart is heavy and full of shame.

I don’t know about you, but for years this replayed over and over in my mind, until it got deep down in my heart.  I was convinced that I wasn’t worthy of being forgiven and was too full of shame to even ask for prayer.  But each time a skeleton was added to my closest, a piece of me died with it.  The enemy comes but to kill, steal and destroy.  The shame that the enemy planted robbed me of a life that God had promised.  But I am so thankful he took out some time with me at the well.

I was tired of self-inflicting pain to cover up the guilt and shame of yesterdays mistakes.  I was seeking truth and healing.  When I got honest with Him, He got honest with me.  Lord I don’t know why I can’t forgive.  Why am I looking for love in all the wrong places or why I am looking for an answer at the bottom of that bottle?  He told me I had been trying to fix things on my own long enough.  The hardest thing for me to do was to surrender the hurt, rejection and bitterness over to Him.

Some things we just have to get over and stop trying to go through.  Forgiveness requires us to get over “it”.  Forgiveness is an act of surrendering, surrendering the bitterness, judgement and hurt over to God and believing that in the end all things will work together for your good.  The more I began to drink from the well, the lighter my load became.  The shame of my past could no longer bind me.  I find myself back at that well often.  I’m just thankful that now I know where to go and He continues to meet me each and every time.

“The woman then left her waterpot, and went her way into the city, and saith to the men, Come, see a man, which told me all things that ever I did: is not this the Christ?” John 4:28-29

Apr 21 2012

Day 25 - I Give Up

Reblogged from Rhachelle Nicol':

“And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.” Matthew 26:39

Have you ever just wanted to throw in the towel because you feel like things are taking too long to progress and it seems like your circumstances just won’t change?

Read more… 137 more words

I am nothing in my own strength. Lord I give up my will for your perfect plan for my life.
Mar 30 2012

On The Road To Destiny

“Im sorry did my back hurt you’re knife?”  A few nights ago, as I struggled to get to sleep, I continued to think about the life and ministry of Jesus.  I thought about what he might have been doing during the  years that led up to him ministering and preparing to meet his destiny.  We know he was the Son of a Carpenter, Joseph.  So I can imagine that he learned much about the trade from his father.  He had to learn how to measure the wood, cut the wood, drive the nails in it just right, etc.  All of these skills taught him patience, how to have a keen eye for detail, precision and endurance.  He was learning how deep He would have to cut through our flesh to be able to pierce our hearts with love.  He was mastering how to strike us at the right time in the right place for it to stick.

He also had to come to an understanding of all the wrongs, offenses, lies and mistakes we would make, in order to take them on for us.  But He also realized the struggle of living this life as we know it and with that understainding, He ministered from a place of compassion.

Humility, He learned it early.  In the first account of Jesus stepping on the scene to minister we read how He was baptized by John the Baptist.  He didn’t seek to draw attention from John or his ministry, what was important to Him was being baptized.  When you are not comfortable with who you are, you will allow people to tell you who you are and then assume a role you think they want you to play.  “But John forbad hm, saying, I have need to be baptized of thee, and comest thou to me?  And Jesus answering said unto him, Suffer it to be so now: for thus it becometh us to fulfill all righteousness.  Then he suffered him.”  Matthew 3:14-15

Prayer, Jesus stayed in constant prayer.  I have recently found myself writing out my prayers, when I can’t utter the words from my mouth.

Faith, Jesus believed and understood his purpose in life.  He was intentional in all that He did in order to see it manifest.

What would have happened if He abandoned all of his earlier preparation and learning?  So many want to walk in their destiny but skip out on the process to get there.  There are no shortcuts.  What you refuse to learn now, will impact you later.  We look on at the place or position that someone else is in and we want to take there place, but not go through their process.  Reminds me of a song, “smile in your face, all the time they want to take your place, the backstabbers.”  I really don’t think most of us have really met that “backstabber”.  We may have had a run in with a few backbitters, liars or users.  The reason I am convinced of this, is because Judas came at a time when Jesus was fully aware of who He was and who He was surrounded by, he knew exactly which role each would play in His destiny and He didn’t let them or their role phase Him.  How many of you could remove the knife out of you back with one hand and offer forgiveness with the other

I’m on the road to my destiny and I am enjoying my process.  Though he slay me, yet will I trust him.  Allow God to build your character, so that you don’t find yourself on the backside of the mountain you spent years trying to climb.

RATL”Building relationship of accountability and trust with all roads leading to love.”

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Mar 20 2012

O Lord, Hear My Cry

“You either need to kill me or rescue me because I cannot handle this.”  I can remember saying these same exact words as I called out to God in prayer.  It seemed as if my world was caving in on me, but GOD.  I am so excited to share this wonderful interview with such a beautiful author.  Author Zari Banks is a mother, editor, author and a prayer warrior.  I am sure you will be blessed by this interview and her series of books.  Prayer changes things.

What inspired you to begin writing the “O Lord…” series?

I’ve journaled my prayers for years. So, the writing of the prayers would’ve happened regardless of publication. But, specifically the first devotional, O Lord, Hear My Cry was an answer to prayer itself. A year ago I made the decision to relocate my son and myself to my hometown in Washington State. I had been laid off from my position as a school district Instructional Coach and wasn’t able to find another position, even outside of Education, with comparable pay. I had been supporting us on savings and a part-time job at my church for a while and something had to give. So going home to get back on feet made sense. Well, my ex took me to court to stop me from relocating and requested temporary custody and the judge awarded it to him. I was beyond shocked.

So, on March 2, 2011 I had to drop my son at his dad’s and he crying and I was crying. So, I sat in my car in the library parking lot and I was screaming at God from the top of my lungs and said: You either need to kill me or rescue me because I cannot handle this. You promised that if I called out to you, you’d answer and tell me things I can’t understand. I need you to answer now!

God simply said, “Read the Psalms.”

That may not seem like rescue to some, but as I read through the Psalms with a new focus – with the intent of finding the message God was giving me – I was changed. I was ushered into a real and raw relationship with Christ. And, what I discovered in the Psalms is that my struggle wasn’t new God and neither was my restoration.

Had you ever considered writing or publishing a book prior to this series?

Yes, and these devotionals are actually my 3rd, 4th and 5th books.

How long have you been writing? And when did you realize writing was something that you wanted to do?

I’ve been writing my whole life. The earliest story I remember writing and illustrating was from about age 7. And, I was so serious about my desire to be a writer I got a Bachelor’s in Journalism.

What is the most important message that you want people to walk away with after reading your series?

The message is that God is real and bigger than anything we have ever imagined. We cannot limit Him or really know what He can and will do until we die to self and have to submit to Him because it’s so messed up there’s no earthly hope.

How important has prayer been in your life over the most recent years?

Prayer is extremely important to me. I wouldn’t be here today without prayer.

How has prayer changed your life?

Prayer has saved my life.

What would you say to someone who feels like they don’t know how to pray?

Prayer is simply conversation. Everyone can do it. And, though God doesn’t require one specific process, you learn what He likes as you get to know Him. It’s just like any other relationship – only better.

Was it a hard decision to share your prayers with the world through your devotional series?

Well, I shared the prayers with a small group of other singles – some parents, some not – and their encouragement about being able to relate to and be uplifted after hearing those prayers caused me to thank God while praying one day for allowing my pain to help someone else. And, He told me, “I can use these prayers to help more.” So, I put them in book form and showed it to my mentor, Patti, and she told me to go for it.

What can your readers expect next from you?

They may notice me as the editor of some books published in 2012. Other than that you never know. The sky’s the limit.

Are you interested in writing in any other genres? 

Yes, I have three fiction children’s books already written that I’d like illustrated for publication at some point.

 How do you balance your own writing projects and the editing projects of others?

When I’m editing I make it a point to not write anything similar to what I’m editing. So, right now that means I’m not writing much at all because the projects I’m working on run the gamut of topics.

 Any last words?

 While I don’t wish struggles on anyone, I hope that everyone comes to the end of themselves, and tastes and sees that the Lord is good. The abundant life Christ promises is a reward of the relationship established through complete and utter trust, faith and submission to God. He will knock your socks off.

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