We have all gone through a period or season in our lives during which we were single. The one thing we can probably all agree on, is that whether single or in a relationship there are some standards that we must maintain and hold onto for our own sanity. If there had been a rule book when I was dating, it probably would have prevented a lot of hurt and pain. But through it all, I have gained a lot of wisdom and I don’t mind sharing. Today, I am excited about this interview with the Author of “The Official Rules to Being Single”, A’esha Goins.
–What is the one rule that would in your opinion, trump all others?
The last rule, Pray always. There were moments when I thought I would literally lose my mind. I was certain no one understood my agony. It seemed, all my friends were getting hooked up and I would be single forever. The only thing I had of value was my prayer life. The time I spent on my knees in meditation gave me great comfort and relief.
-Describe the process of writing your book? Was it at all what you expected?
Writing my book started the moment my ex husband told me, he was no longer happy in his misery. When we arose the next morning and I hadn’t killed him, I knew I would have to write my story to help somebody through what I had experienced. Every time I had an ache, I would blog it on myspace. To me that was what being a writer was all about. I had a point of view that I wanted to share with the world and that was the easiest way to accomplish. It wasn’t until 200 blogs later that I knew I needed to publish something. I pulled my blog entries off of Myspace and tried to make some story line that made sense. I gave them to my friends, family, and coach to help me formulate some kind of structured presentation. 3 years later I connected with an old boyfriend, we became great friends and he encouraged my wisdom and creativity. 6 months later he became my business partner and CEO of our company. Within our 5 year plan he saw a book and speaking engagements. I accepted the vision and birthed the book.
-Why do you think it is so difficut for some of us to be single and comfortable in that season of our lives?
We were made to be in companionship. I like to tell people being alone is ok, but how much more can you accomplish as a team? I have learned in this season, I can be single without being alone. I live my life everyday with the expectation of meeting the right person. When you accept that you are alone you perpetuate loneliness.
-How does someone bounce back from a failed relationship and allow themselves to open their heart up again? Ahhhh, great question. I get asked this question the most. The answer is simple really, face reality and take responsibility. We love to play the blame game. Heartache is never our fault. How could it be, right? Why would I place myself “willingly” in harms way? For the greatest love story never told. Relationships take work and no one is willing to do it. The reality is, you opened your heart and trusted, willingly. You accepted the persons faults and accomplishments, willingly. You understood or miss understood them, willingly. Now there is an irreconcilable difference and your not so willing. It’s a cop out. Unless there is abuse, the differences can be worked out. If you “willingly” bowed out. Accept that, make the necessry adjustment to not repeat, then CHOOSE to launch.
-Describe the relationship you were in that influenced the writing of this book?
Oh “KING” as he is affectionately referred to in my book, was the man I thought I needed. He was beautiful, strong, smart and sexy. He had swagg and strength. He was everything my ex husband wasn’t, at least in my imagination. LOL! What he really is was the rebound. I wanted to feel loved considered and appreciated. He spoke a great game and offered me great orgasmic pleasure. The lesson I learned was, never mistake the “one” for the “one for right now.”
-I have found that forgiving ourselves is sometimes harder than forgiving the person that has wronged us. Was it difficult to forgive and move on?
Forgiveness is a process that in most cases can not be rushed. I have practiced it a while now and it is a lot easier than when I first started.
One of the first steps to forgiveness is facing reality. I use the “face reality” quote because as women we tend to have overactive imaginations. We will interpret what a person said or did instead of just taking it at face value. This sometimes has a negative affect in our relationships.
The second step is accepting responsibility. No matter how much we want to place blame we have to accept what part we played in the situation.
The third step is forgiving ourselves. We have to let go of the blame and the shame. I like to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself i forgive her and love her and she is beautiful. I have this conversation with myself naked and until I believed it. It used to take hours and I would cry EVERY time. NOW, it takes a few minutes and I giggle with myself. I am my own best supporter and I love me some me!
The fourth step is release. Holding on to unforgiveness sometimes gives us a false sense of power. I realized the person we haven’t forgiven has usually forgotten all about what they did and never cared how they made us feel. Meanwhile we are stuck with the weight of it. NO WAY!! Let that crap go and be FREE!! Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to be friends with the person it means you can be free of the person. And isn’t that what we want.
-What is one peice of advice that you would give to those who are in that season of “singleness”?
Forgive and try again. Never give up on love, it’s like saying your not worthy and I know you are.
-Where can we get our copy of “The Official Rules of Being Single”?
You can purchase the book at my social media networking site www.UrbanLasVegas.com
or any online bookstore
-I know you wear multiple hats, what other projects are you currently working on?
WOW!! Let’s see… My book has offered opportunities for me to become a public speaker. I am enjoying this most… we also have “Singles University” which is a workshop we are starting to train men and women how to date and enjoy meeting each other.
-Can we expect another book in the future?
I am working on my next book now… I will keep it a secret, but you can expect it in 2013
Thank you so much for your time A’esha! You can connect with A’esha Goins here:
Make sure to get your copy of “The Official Rules to Being Single”