Goodbye October

This yeagoodbyer for me October represents an end of a chapter and the start of a new one.  I began preparing for October in June.  As a domestic violence advocate, my goal was to have a series of My Scars Chats panel discussions in different cities and states.  I planned and hosted two in CA, one in Sacramento and the other in Oakland.  I have so many more ahead being planned for the upcoming year.  I was invited to speak at UC Berkeley as well.  So the advocacy will not stop just because October is over.

October forced me to be clear about what I want and desire out of life.  I had to abandon my fears and forge forward.  I spent time reflecting over my life and the experiences that have led me to this point.  I was able to share with you some of my reflections through the #WhyILeft post.  Everything that I have gone through has a greater purpose than any of the pain that I endured.  The time spent reflecting gave me even a greater confidence in knowing that whatever comes my way I can make it.  Goals that I have had for years are being achieved and it is the best feeling ever.  I couldn’t have asked for a better way to spend my Ocotber.  I can’t wait to spend the next 30 days in November just giving thanks.



I show my scars so that others know they can heal.” Someone needs to see your scars!

Have you liked the Showing Our Scars Facebook Page? We are “Showing Our Scars”!

You can also order your “My Scars” Tee!

Find out more about the story behind “My Scars”

Sunday Mourning

#WhenILeft I Found Strength

Over the past few weeks, I have been reflecting on the impact of being in an unhealthy and abusive relationship. The relationship affected so many areas of my life, my health, communication and interpersonal skills, challenged my faith in God, made it difficult to maintain employment, etc. It took me awhile to recognize the affects but it has allowed me the opportunity to work on them instead of run away from them. I found my strength when I was able to confront the women I had become and vow to do what was necessary to heal.

7 years ago, I left California in order to start over and rediscover the woman that I had lost; I have definitely found her. Now the thought of returning back home is not as fearful for me as it was years prior. I didn’t think I was strong enough. I thought I would end up back in the relationship I fought to leave. But I’m definitely returning as a new woman, a better woman, a healed woman. I’m ready to live out all my dreams and aspirations unapologetically.

There are so many things that I have learned about myself over the past few years.  So many lessons and necessary tools that I will be applying to my life during this leg of my journey.

The power of my “no” I realized that I have a hard time saying no even if I know that it will cause me a great sacrifice by saying yes.  I have sacrificed my time and finances because I would not say no. In most situations, I have walked away feeling violated, used and empty. I realized that the times that I knew I should have said no were mere distractions disguised as opportunities. If you’re not careful your intimate and business relationships will re-victimize you.

Setting Boundaries  Everyone does not need or deserve full access into your life. Establishing boundaries, communicating those boundaries and then sticking to them is very important.  Established boundaries will also make it easier to say no when it’s needed.

I am pursuing the career/business that I want and not the one I need. I am clearer than ever about what I want to do and/or the job that I want to have. I understand my purpose and desire the work that I do to be reflective of it.

I am removing the dimmer from my light in order to shine brighter than ever.

I am finishing everything that I started.

I am living my life on my terms.

I show my scars so that others know they can heal.” Someone needs to see your scars!

Have you liked the Showing Our Scars Facebook Page? We are “Showing Our Scars”!

You can also order your “My Scars” Tee!

Find out more about the story behind “My Scars”

Sunday Mourning

Happy Birthday Capricorns


I love celebrating my birthday at the beginning of the year, it gives me all year to grow into my new age. Well this year is no different other than the age. Yes, I am finally 35. What? 35? Where did the time go but I am feeling every single year though I may not look it (wink, wink). However, I am at peace with where I am at in my life and excited about where I am going. So excited that I have decided to celebrate my birthday for as long as I can. My children suggested Chuck-e-Cheese, lol. I almost gave in but instead we had a major feast of garlic crab and crawfish. Then I celebrated with my girls.

35 years of life have taught me so much but I still feel like there is so much to learn.  I must create the life that I desire.  You never get too old for dancing.  And never be ashamed of your past but instead learn the lessons, apply the lessons and teach the lessons.

I am happy to share my birth month with some pretty awesome people, Michelle Obama, Mary J. Blige and quite a few others.  If you are a Capricorn leave a comment and happy belated birthday from me to you.

“I show my scars so that others know they can heal.” Someone needs to see your scars!

Have you liked the Showing Our Scars Facebook Page? We are “Showing Our Scars”!

You can also order your “My Scars” Tee!

Find out more about the story behind “My Scars”

Sunday Mourning

Don’t Quit


purposed (Photo credit: frances bell)

If you have been visiting my site and reading my post for a while, I am sure you are probably wondering what happened to all of the messages of inspiration and hope.  I have added quite a few new features which will remain, but the fact of the matter is, even the one who inspires needs to be inspired.  The other day, it was as if I could here the words “Don’t Quit” just as audible in my ears as if someone was speaking to me.

Have you ever felt like you were giving something your all and it wasn’t giving you anything in return?  These past few months have been some of the hardest.  However, each night before I go to sleep, I pray and thank God for keeping a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food to eat.  I wake up some mornings wanting to quit and something whispers and says, “Don’t Quit”.  And I am just crazy enough to keep listening.

You see, quitting is easy.  The obstacles, the disappointments and failed plans are always there waiting to get the best of you.  But determination tells you to push through all that, fight for that one yes and by all means “Don’t Quit”.  Those obstacles are there to teach you and the failed plans are for your protection.

If I had gotten everything that I wanted or if everything had gone my way, I wouldn’t be living out the purpose for my life.  Purpose is the reason I can’t quit.  It keeps me up at night and wakes me up in the morning.  It is the reason why I live and breath.  I am fulfilled merely by living out my life’s purpose.

So here is what I want you to do.  I want you to start March off with a clean slate.  February is behind you and you can’t go back.  It’s a new month, which should bring new goals, new plans and new opportunities that will help push you one step closer.  I am determined to see this vision through and fulfill my purpose and you should be too.  Don’t quit!

“I show my scars so that others know they can heal.”

Have you liked the Showing Our Scars Facebook Page? We are “Showing Our Scars”!

You can also order your “My Scars” Tee!

Find out more about the story behind “My Scars”

Sunday Mourning

3 Things You Must Have in 2013


Vision_Board_Sept_2010_inprogress (Photo credit: WiseWellWoman)

If I was to lose all of my material possessions today, there would be 3 things that I would try my best to hold on to.  2011 and 2012 have taught me the importance of having a vision, plan or goal, and a journal to write it all down.

Vision:  A vision forces you to be in tune with who you are and what you were created to be.  A vision puts the focus on the outcome and not the current circumstances.  It allows you to push through the most difficult times, knowing that it won’t be like this always.  A vision keeps you up late at night and gives life to your purpose.

Plan or Goal:  Your plan or goal(s) become the very blueprint to navigating through your vision.   While the vision keeps you focused on the end result, your plans and goals tell you that there is still some work to be done.  You begin to see what you can do and what you may need assistance with completing.  Your weaknesses and strengths may be revealed but instead of being discouraged you may just add a new goal to the list.

Journal:  “And the Lord answered me, and said, Write the vision, and engrave it so plainly upon tablets that everyone who passes may [be able to ] read [it easily and quickly] as he hastens by.” Habakkuk 2:2  Yes, you need something to write all down in.  When you begin to write things down, rewrite them and further explain them it makes it easier for people to understand and even assist with bringing the vision to past.  You have to understand, know and believe in whatever it is that you are working towards.  In 2011, I wrote that I wanted to create my own t-shirt line.  I didn’t know how I was going to do it and how soon it would all take place but the more I wrote about it, the more things were revealed.  I’ve been spending the last few weeks reflecting on journal entries.  Some of the things taking place in my life right now, were a mere journal entry a year ago.

I promise you, if you can hold onto these three things you will begin to see things happen.  On Dec. 8th, Mission Possible, a vision board event that I wrote in my journal a year ago will finally take place.  Daja Robinson of No Boiz Allowed and I are excited and grateful for all those who have helped to make this possible.  FireHouse Subs for providing lunch for our guest.  Zari Banks for her countless donations to Mother 2 Mother down throughout the year, Kanina Johnson for gifting a copy of her book, Walk In Your Power and many more.  If you are in the Las Vegas area, join us.  You do not want to miss this event!

The Official Rules to Being Single

We have all gone through a period or season in our lives during which we were single.  The one thing we can probably all agree on, is that whether single or in a relationship there are some standards that we must maintain and hold onto for our own sanity.  If there had been a rule book when I was dating, it probably would have prevented a lot of hurt and pain.  But through it all, I have gained a lot of wisdom and I don’t mind sharing.  Today, I am excited about this interview with the Author of “The Official Rules to Being Single”, A’esha Goins.
What is the one rule that would in your opinion, trump all others?
The last rule, Pray always. There were moments when I thought I would literally lose my mind. I was certain no one understood my agony. It seemed, all my friends were getting hooked up and I would be single forever. The only thing I had of value was my prayer life. The time I spent on my knees in meditation gave me great comfort and relief.
-Describe the process of writing your book? Was it at all what you expected?
Writing my book started the moment my ex husband told me, he was no longer happy in his misery. When we arose the next morning and I hadn’t killed him, I knew I would have to write my story to help somebody through what I had experienced. Every time I had an ache, I would blog it on myspace. To me that was what being a writer was all about. I had a point of view that I wanted to share with the world and that was the easiest way to accomplish. It wasn’t until 200 blogs later that I knew I needed to publish something. I pulled my blog entries off of Myspace and tried to make some story line that made sense. I gave them to my friends, family, and coach to help me formulate some kind of structured presentation. 3 years later I connected with an old boyfriend, we became great friends and he encouraged my wisdom and creativity. 6 months later he became my business partner and CEO of our company. Within our 5 year plan he saw a book and speaking engagements. I accepted the vision and birthed the book.
-Why do you think it is so difficut for some of us to be single and comfortable in that season of our lives?
We were made to be in companionship. I like to tell people being alone is ok, but how much more can you accomplish as a team? I have learned in this season, I can be single without being alone. I live my life everyday with the expectation of meeting the right person. When you accept that you are alone you perpetuate loneliness.
-How does someone bounce back from a failed relationship and allow themselves to open their heart up again? Ahhhh, great question. I get asked this question the most. The answer is simple really, face reality and take responsibility. We love to play the blame game. Heartache is never our fault. How could it be, right? Why would I place myself “willingly” in harms way? For the greatest love story never told. Relationships take work and no one is willing to do it. The reality is, you opened your heart and trusted, willingly. You accepted the persons faults and accomplishments, willingly. You understood or miss understood them, willingly. Now there is an irreconcilable difference and your not so willing. It’s a cop out. Unless there is abuse, the differences can be worked out. If you “willingly” bowed out. Accept that, make the necessry adjustment to not repeat, then CHOOSE to launch.

-Describe the relationship you were in that influenced the writing of this book?
Oh “KING” as he is affectionately referred to in my book, was the man I thought I needed. He was beautiful, strong, smart and sexy. He had swagg and strength. He was everything my ex husband wasn’t, at least in my imagination. LOL! What he really is was the rebound. I wanted to feel loved considered and appreciated. He spoke a great game and offered me great orgasmic pleasure. The lesson I learned was, never mistake the “one” for the “one for right now.”

-I have found that forgiving ourselves is sometimes harder than forgiving the person that has wronged us. Was it difficult to forgive and move on?
Forgiveness is a process that in most cases can not be rushed. I have practiced it a while now and it is a lot easier than when I first started.
One of the first steps to forgiveness is facing reality. I use the “face reality” quote because as women we tend to have overactive imaginations. We will interpret what a person said or did instead of just taking it at face value. This sometimes has a negative affect in our relationships.

The second step is accepting responsibility. No matter how much we want to place blame we have to accept what part we played in the situation.

The third step is forgiving ourselves. We have to let go of the blame and the shame. I like to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself i forgive her and love her and she is beautiful. I have this conversation with myself naked and until I believed it. It used to take hours and I would cry EVERY time. NOW, it takes a few minutes and I giggle with myself. I am my own best supporter and I love me some me!

The fourth step is release. Holding on to unforgiveness sometimes gives us a false sense of power. I realized the person we haven’t forgiven has usually forgotten all about what they did and never cared how they made us feel. Meanwhile we are stuck with the weight of it. NO WAY!! Let that crap go and be FREE!! Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to be friends with the person it means you can be free of the person. And isn’t that what we want.
-What is one peice of advice that you would give to those who are in that season of “singleness”?
Forgive and try again. Never give up on love, it’s like saying your not worthy and I know you are.
-Where can we get our copy of “The Official Rules of Being Single”?
You can purchase the book at my social media networking site or any online bookstore
-I know you wear multiple hats, what other projects are you currently working on?
WOW!! Let’s see… My book has offered opportunities for me to become a public speaker. I am enjoying this most… we also have “Singles University” which is a workshop we are starting to train men and women how to date and enjoy meeting each other.
-Can we expect another book in the future?
I am working on my next book now… I will keep it a secret, but you can expect it in 2013
Thank you so much for your time A’esha! You can connect with A’esha Goins here:
Make sure to get your copy of “The Official Rules to Being Single”

HE Met Me At The Well

I might as well continue on the path that I’ve been on.  I messed up big time and nothing or no one can fix this mess that I’ve created.  I’ve done things that I can’t even tell my closest friend(s).  I can’t even bring myself to write my struggles on the pages of my journal.  I’ve been hanging skeletons in my closest for years and one more sure wouldn’t hurt.  My heart is heavy and full of shame.

I don’t know about you, but for years this replayed over and over in my mind, until it got deep down in my heart.  I was convinced that I wasn’t worthy of being forgiven and was too full of shame to even ask for prayer.  But each time a skeleton was added to my closest, a piece of me died with it.  The enemy comes but to kill, steal and destroy.  The shame that the enemy planted robbed me of a life that God had promised.  But I am so thankful he took out some time with me at the well.

I was tired of self-inflicting pain to cover up the guilt and shame of yesterdays mistakes.  I was seeking truth and healing.  When I got honest with Him, He got honest with me.  Lord I don’t know why I can’t forgive.  Why am I looking for love in all the wrong places or why I am looking for an answer at the bottom of that bottle?  He told me I had been trying to fix things on my own long enough.  The hardest thing for me to do was to surrender the hurt, rejection and bitterness over to Him.

Some things we just have to get over and stop trying to go through.  Forgiveness requires us to get over “it”.  Forgiveness is an act of surrendering, surrendering the bitterness, judgement and hurt over to God and believing that in the end all things will work together for your good.  The more I began to drink from the well, the lighter my load became.  The shame of my past could no longer bind me.  I find myself back at that well often.  I’m just thankful that now I know where to go and He continues to meet me each and every time.

“The woman then left her waterpot, and went her way into the city, and saith to the men, Come, see a man, which told me all things that ever I did: is not this the Christ?” John 4:28-29

On The Road To Destiny

“Im sorry did my back hurt you’re knife?”  A few nights ago, as I struggled to get to sleep, I continued to think about the life and ministry of Jesus.  I thought about what he might have been doing during the  years that led up to him ministering and preparing to meet his destiny.  We know he was the Son of a Carpenter, Joseph.  So I can imagine that he learned much about the trade from his father.  He had to learn how to measure the wood, cut the wood, drive the nails in it just right, etc.  All of these skills taught him patience, how to have a keen eye for detail, precision and endurance.  He was learning how deep He would have to cut through our flesh to be able to pierce our hearts with love.  He was mastering how to strike us at the right time in the right place for it to stick.

He also had to come to an understanding of all the wrongs, offenses, lies and mistakes we would make, in order to take them on for us.  But He also realized the struggle of living this life as we know it and with that understainding, He ministered from a place of compassion.

Humility, He learned it early.  In the first account of Jesus stepping on the scene to minister we read how He was baptized by John the Baptist.  He didn’t seek to draw attention from John or his ministry, what was important to Him was being baptized.  When you are not comfortable with who you are, you will allow people to tell you who you are and then assume a role you think they want you to play.  “But John forbad hm, saying, I have need to be baptized of thee, and comest thou to me?  And Jesus answering said unto him, Suffer it to be so now: for thus it becometh us to fulfill all righteousness.  Then he suffered him.”  Matthew 3:14-15

Prayer, Jesus stayed in constant prayer.  I have recently found myself writing out my prayers, when I can’t utter the words from my mouth.

Faith, Jesus believed and understood his purpose in life.  He was intentional in all that He did in order to see it manifest.

What would have happened if He abandoned all of his earlier preparation and learning?  So many want to walk in their destiny but skip out on the process to get there.  There are no shortcuts.  What you refuse to learn now, will impact you later.  We look on at the place or position that someone else is in and we want to take there place, but not go through their process.  Reminds me of a song, “smile in your face, all the time they want to take your place, the backstabbers.”  I really don’t think most of us have really met that “backstabber”.  We may have had a run in with a few backbitters, liars or users.  The reason I am convinced of this, is because Judas came at a time when Jesus was fully aware of who He was and who He was surrounded by, he knew exactly which role each would play in His destiny and He didn’t let them or their role phase Him.  How many of you could remove the knife out of you back with one hand and offer forgiveness with the other

I’m on the road to my destiny and I am enjoying my process.  Though he slay me, yet will I trust him.  Allow God to build your character, so that you don’t find yourself on the backside of the mountain you spent years trying to climb.

RATL”Building relationship of accountability and trust with all roads leading to love.”

Heart Matters…

Last night, I went to sleep with a song in my heart.  “Give me a clean heart.  So I might serve thee.  Lord I’m not worthy of all  your blessings.  Give me a clean heart, so that I might follow thee.”

Over the course of this month, I have recognized the condition of my heart.  At times it was in fact difficult to write because of everything that I was going through.  Sometimes we can allow our circumstances to speak for us, which can get in the way of God speaking through us.  My writing is so closely connected with my walk and relationship with God, that when He speaks, I write.  Silencing the surrounding noise is the task at hand, I am definitely up for that challenge.

Writing is one of my forms of praise.  Finding something to give thanks and praise for on a daily basis should not be a challenge.  I am alive, healthy and full of vision.  What more could I ask for?  “Not that I speak in respect of want: for I hae learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.  I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.  I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”  Philippians 4:11-13


Be Still And Know

“Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10

Being still can sometimes be the hardest thing to do. We search for answers, seek out advice but we rarely ever take the time to just be still. I am not saying to stop and do nothing, but having that confidence and surety that it is all working together for your good.

I was convinced that my time here in Nevada was up. I was ready to start making plans to leave. But God’s plans are not our plans and his thoughts are not our thoughts. I am here on assignment. When I first arrived here, some four and a half years ago, I wrote a program designed to provide services to adolescents on through adulthood. I researched the statistics for the City and also the services that were currently being offered. What I didn’t do was go forward with the vision that had been given. Instead, I allowed it to lay dormant.

Well last year when all hell was breaking loose, it was that written vision that came back to my remembrance. I had been instructed to do something and I hadn’t been obedient. But after three years of putting it off, I had no choice but to start making it plain. I began writing again, I wrote and I wrote some more. I began networking, making phone calls, sending emails and asking questions. I was determined. That same determination and motivation pushes me further each day. Even on my worst of days, I know that God is still in control.

Be still and know…I am assured that in the midst of the storm, God will calm the seas. In the midst of a battle, He will defeat the giant that desires to take me out. When I am lonely He will be my comforter. In my times of need He will be a very present help. He has begun a good work in me and He will see it through to it’s completion.

Be Still and Know